It never gets any better, not being able to throw my arms around my dad and hug him. It just doesn't. I know some readers/friends/family members might be exhausted of hearing about my feelings surrounding the loss of my father, something that happened nearly a staggering 8 years ago, but I figure if dealing with his loss never really gets any better, then why should I have to keep quiet about it. Yes, I know I am leading a blessed life, I have been given the opportunity to travel, I have an extraordinary musical ability, I have a wonderful husband, great friends, and a family that would do anything for me, not to mention a Savior who loves me and has given me hope that there WILL be a reunion. You know what though? I am comfortable enough in who I am to tell you that ALL of those things are not enough to cover the hurt. Call me ungrateful, jaded, tell me I'm missing the point, whatever. Today, and more days than I'd like to admit, it hurts more than words that I am RAPIDLY approaching a point where I have lived more years of my life without my dad than with him.
My first Christmas. One of only 15 I would ever share with my dad. In what universe is that acceptable? And sure, I should be, and of course am, thankful for each of those, but today it hurts too much to be optimistic. He loved Christmas. He loved that he had a family to take care of, to laugh with, and smile with.
A typical fantastic summer day for us. What was so wrong with this simple life that we lived? Why couldn't it have endured a little longer? I mean, until I graduated college maybe? Oh wait, by sunrise the day after my college graduation I had lost my last living grandparent. Sometimes I look at my life and I think, "Seriously?!?!?"
It's not often that all a person wants is a simple hug, but days like today I can't think of anything else. I feel so selfish when there are people who have lost so much more than me. The destitute, the lost, the broken...I feel like I should just get up out of my chair right now and forget about myself and go help them. However---I know that my beliefs call me to be real with people. I know we talked about rejoicing always today in church and I am fully acknowledging that this is me failing miserably at that. Here I am, broken and bleeding in front of you. Today, this loss is stealing my joy. I miss him terribly. I want a hug from my dad, and I can't even find comfort in my heavenly Father. For those of you who are reading, I'm terribly sorry for such a maudlin return to my blog. I needed to get it off my chest and admit it to someone besides myself.
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